Number 3. CNN. Europe sends massive force of 34 to protect Greenland from U.S. invasion.
In a shocking display of muscular foreign policy, former European enemies have formed a strong military alliance against President Trump’s threats to take Greenland by force of arms. France and Germany have each sent more than a dozen troops to the icy northland to prepare for imminent U.S. invasion.
This commentator comments that such a determined alliance has not been seen on the continent since the days of Charles Martel at the Battle of Tours some 13 centuries ago.
With a total force of 34 — yes, nearly 3 dozen soldiers armed to the teeth! — the World War II belligerents (well, actually, one was a belligerent, the other more an occupied observer) have assembled a potent multi-national corps with an impressive roster of contributions from other nations: Norway (2), Finland (2), the Netherlands (1) and Sweden (unspecified).
Rumors that Czech Hedgehogs submerged in the surf to defeat landing craft, and modern versions of Rommel’s Asparagus to wreak havoc with inbound troop-filled gliders, had been deployed on Greenland’s western Atlantic wall could not be verified at press time.
“It is time to meet force with force!,” said coalition spokesperson Ferd Fluffymeister (they/them). “That madman in the American Oval Office has rattled his saber one time too many! Europe will once again rise up and show the world what we are truly made of!”
In an unexpected twist, less than 48 hours later, according to reports by DW dot com, German troops deployed to Greenland boarded a U.S.-built civilian Boeing 737 to return to the Fatherland, apparently signaling the successful completion of the mission. [Editor’s Note: This paragraph is not satire.]
(In the DW article cited, scroll down to the 15th headline from the top to find news of this important development.)
Coalition spokesperson Fluffymeister (they/them) could not be reached for comment.
Number 2. Fox News. Sonic weapon used on Venezuelan security force in Maduro raid.
In an unverified report from a Venezuelan (or perhaps a Cuban) security officer involved in the U.S. Special Forces arrest of Nicolas Maduro this month, the claim of a new and terrifying weapon was made.
The witness described initial disorientation brought about by radar systems suddenly going off-line, then a multitude of drones over-flying their location, followed by helicopters landing and disgorging troops.
After describing how each of about 20 U.S. soldiers began "firing 300 rounds per minute,” “with precision and speed,” he went on to describe what he characterized as “some sort of sonic weapon.”
“I don’t know how to describe it," said the witness. "It was like a very intense sound wave. Suddenly I felt like my head was exploding from the inside."
He added that Venezuelan defenders immediately became incapacitated. "We all started bleeding from the nose [and] vomiting blood. We fell to the ground, unable to move. We couldn’t even stand up…”
The report from this witness was published by White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt in an X post titled, “Stop what you are doing and read this.”
Initial speculation from a few seasoned talking heads in the news suggested that this particular witness may never have been on the receiving end of a flash-bang, or seen professional U.S. door-kickers in action before. But a new report from CNN a few days later adds credibility to the “sonic weapon” idea.
On January 12, less than 10 days after the Maduro action, CNN reported that the Defense Department (War Department) had last year acquired an actual sonic weapon from an unidentified foreign source. In tests, the news outlet says, U.S. authorities speculated that the weapon produced symptoms remarkably similar to those experienced in 2016 by American personnel stationed in Cuba.
The painful ailments, including vertigo and extreme headaches, came on suddenly and, because of the initial Cuban location, became known as Havana Syndrome. In the past decade, other cases have been reported from various places around the world. Defense analysts have long speculated the existence of a weapon capable of a “directed energy attack.”
Now, it appears the U.S. has obtained an example of this device.
The post by Karoline Leavitt, and the subsequent news item by CNN, are ostensibly unrelated.
Call me jaded, but when coincidences related to national security issues like this occur, I strongly sniff the aroma of intentional information leaks. News items like these tend to keep America’s enemies off balance and hesitant. Which is entirely consistent with everything else in the Trump era foreign policy playbook.
Brief Military History Rabbit Trail:
World War 2: Shortly after the attack on Pearl Harbor, U.S. Admiral William F. (Bull) Halsey was badly outgunned by Japanese opposition in the Guadalcanal campaign. Halsey resorted to disinformation and nearly empty shows of force to keep the enemy guessing. He referred to his staff, who thought up the ideas, as his “Department of Dirty Tricks.”
This was in same vein as Stonewall Jackson’s deceptive troop movements against Union forces in the Shenandoah Valley campaign of 1862 in the American Civil War.
I’m sure Sun Tzu would have had some wisdom to share about this sort of thing, but supper is waiting and I need to get on with it.
And on the domestic front, monkeys are once again in the news. This time they have shown up in St. Louis. A vervet primate, native to sub-Saharan Africa (aka African Green Monkey) was photographed on a suburban street.
The local Health Department leapt into action, initiating a city-wide search. Reportedly, there were four monkeys on the loose. The St. Louis Zoo, the most likely source of the specimens, claimed no knowledge.
Vervet monkeys from near the equator are not exactly suited for the climate of a Missouri January, and efforts to locate the cute, tiny critters — about the size of a house cat, but with a long winding tail — were energized.
However, as soon as word spread that African Green Monkeys were loose in the city, social media took over. The rumors came quickly. Not only were there 4 monkeys; they were traveling in company with a goat. Photoshopped and AI-created memes flooded the web.
Professors from St. Louis University were enlisted to study photos and determine whether they had been faked. Some appeared genuine. Artificial Intelligence experts joined in, studying shadows and illumination angles.
Photos continued to multiply online; genuine telephone calls to the Health Department of monkey sightings became indistinguishable from hoaxes.
One online meme shows 4 monkeys riding through downtown on the goat’s back. Another shows them posing for a selfie in front of the Arch.
Eventually, authorities gave up. There was too much information to analyze. They called off the search.
Too bad for the monkeys… if they ever existed. Poor critters. At least I hope someone takes care of the goat.
And thanks for joining The Alligator News Roundup for Friday, January 23, 2026. Here in the Midwest we are bracing for a sudden onslaught of winter weather, and I would say it’s about time. Enough of these pleasant, sunny days in the 50s. I’m ready to hunker down at home with a bowl of tomato soup and a toasted cheese sandwich; maybe bingeing on streaming reruns of Jesse Stone.
I just hope the electricity stays on. And I hope the monkeys find a nice, warm, dry place by then.
Have a good weekend!
