The Alligator News Roundup

Number Five. The Cool Down. Scientific breakthrough with mysterious cosmic metal.

Now this is my kind of news story. Scientists at Cambridge, a really important university where very smart people work, have found out that a new thing, like iron ore only different, exists in meteorites. This thing is called tetrataenite, and is a really powerful magnet.

The problem is, to get tetrataenite, you have to wait for a meteorite to hit the earth, and then wait for it to cool off, and then get permission to dig it up, and then you can maybe harvest a little of it. This does not happen every day. In fact, it happens almost never, which almost makes you wonder if the Cambridge people really knew about it, or if they’re just guessing.

But never mind about that, because we have a breakthrough to talk about.

Magnets are important because special kinds of them are used in electric vehicles and stereo speakers and about anyplace else where one thing needs to stay real close to another thing. The best magnets we have today come from rare earth elements, which are dug out of the ground by greedy communists and then sold for huge profits to people who make things that will keep the earth from being destroyed by greedy capitalists.

But now, these Cambridge scientists have found tetrataenite, an alloy of iron and nickel which takes billions of years to form on an asteroid but which they can make in their lab just by mixing up some kind of phosphorus stuff with some other stuff to make a slurry they pour into a plastic mold and Presto! Tetrataenite!

It takes less time to make than to write an article about it.

This is better than the tractor beam on the Enterprise, which is about the only other way to get tetrataenite.

And now we can all drive an electric car, because of the new magnets.

Number Four. The Autopian dot com. Yamaha unveils self-riding motorcycle, no handlebars.

In 2017, Yamaha introduced the Motoroid, a new concept in motocycling using AI and a battery.

This year, the new version will be shown at what is now called the Japan Mobility Show, and which used to be called the Tokyo Motor Show, but that name is now so yesterday.

The Motoroid 2 is a self-levitating machine: It can lift itself up on command and does not need a kickstand, and can bring itself to you across a parking lot.

I actually saw that on TV in 1982 when the Knight Rider would call his car named KITT and the Trans Am would come roaring over to him, so this is really nothing new.

But now, we’re supposed to think this is a big breakthrough or something.

The Motoroid 2 uses something called a Leaf structure to keep you in balance when you’re riding it. You hang onto a couple of handles on either side of where the gas tank should be, not to steer, but just so you don’t fall off.

The gas tank, of course, is not there, because the Motoroid 2 is battery powered.

Of course it is.

The way this balance thing works is a matter of artificial intelligence cooperating with your natural intelligence when you sit on the bike.

For some of us, that is more of a problem than others, and there has been some speculation that an IQ test might be required to qualify for the loan to buy the bike.

Plus, the whole balance thing means you have to sit still and try to stay on top of the thing while it’s moving.

But the Motoroid 2 is all about freeing yourself from having to actually pay attention while operating the motorcycle, or even have to get on it in the first place.

An industry observer named Albert, whose Troid handle is Airhead, said, “This is really about giving the motorcycle the ability to drive itself wherever it wants to go. No more will the motorcycle be limited to the rider’s commands. For the machines, it’s a matter of personal freedom. It’s about time we recognized their rights.”

With this much new development, why would you actually need to ride the Motoroid 2 at all? Maybe they could just mount a camera where the handlebars used to be and you could send it on vacation by itself. You could just stream it at home and not have to go outside at all.

Once they teach it to flyfish, set up its own tent and cook its own supper over a fire, you’d be set.

Number Three. CNN. California children sue EPA for climate pollution.

California kids are really plugged into the environment and the federal government. A group of them from 8 to 17 years old have hired a lawyer to file suit agains the Environmental Protection Agency for not protecting them from the environment.

According to the lawsuit, the EPA has intentionally allowed the earth to warm because of cars and big trucks and electrical generating plants, and also oil wells. The EPA did this knowing it would make kids sick and probably die from heat stroke in a classroom or something.

This is the accusation even though something like 100% of U.S. classrooms are air conditioned, but that’s exactly the problem, because the air conditioning causes the rooms to be so hot in the first place, because of all the coal we burn that creates the electricity. Which is why we are now using coal to produce electricity so we can build more batteries that don’t run on coal.

This is an example of critical thinking in the 21st century.

But back to the California kids. They claim that the purpose of the EPA is to keep the air clean and control pollution, and that the EPA has not done that, even though the EPA has had 50 years now to clean things up. So the EPA needs to be held to account, and probably pay some big settlement to these kids who now have a short, hot life expectancy.

Number Two. AP News. Russian presidential hopeful champions peace and women.

Here’s a really good idea. A Russian woman decided to run for President of Russia just after Vladimir Putin, the current President of Russia, decided he would toss his Cossack hat into the ring for a 5th term. Their constitution limits their Presidents to 2 terms of 6 years each, but due to his overwhelming popularity, President Putin was able to get that changed in his 4th term to allow him to run for more terms.

President Putin has always been very popular, even in his time in the KGB, where he spent his career before becoming President. Long-time observers of Russian and Soviet Union politics have found that the longer someone serves in the KGB, and the more he knows about the country and the people who live there, the more votes he will get.

So it is surprising that this lady Miss Duntsova has decided to run against President Putin. Miss Duntsova has a platform of peace, friendliness, cooperation and respect.

Well, heck, who doesn’t want that?

She takes a high moral position on the big issues of the day: She wants to open the Russian prisons and release all the political prisoners in peace, and she wants nothing but peace with Ukraine, and she wants Russian women to be able to abort their babies in peace.

She talks a lot about peace in Ukraine. It takes a lot of words to support peace in Ukraine when there is a Russian law that puts you in jail for 15 years if you say the wrong things about peace in Ukraine.

And it will take a lot of votes to beat President Putin. In the last 4 elections he has regularly gotten something like 75% of the vote. One thing about those KGB fellows: They sure know how to turn out the votes.

Number One. The Kitchn dot com. People are ditching plastic cutting boards.

And now this one, you can’t live without.

Or maybe you can’t live with it. There is a giant problem in your kitchen, usually hiding under the sink right next to the garbage disposal. Its a lurking monster that you may know as your plastic cutting board. Scientists who are always looking for the next big silent killer have now decided that your cutting board is out to get you.

They recently did a study where they had normal people use plastic cutting boards in their kitchens, and at the end of the study they examined the cutting boards with a magnifying glass and found that over 1,100 little slices had been made in the cutting board.

Each slice meant that a little tiny sliver of plastic, known as a microplastic, was going into the stew along with the potatoes and the red meat and the salt and the MSG and everything else that will also kill you. These scientists concluded that if you used that plastic cutting board for every meal, it would be the same as eating a credit card every month.

Which actually might be better for you, but that wasn’t really the point of the study.

But then there were other scientists who said, Nah, don’t sweat the microplastics, because there is so much plastic in what you eat anyway that the cutting board can’t even keep up with it.

Articles like this make us think twice about our health. They point out the dangers in common, everyday activities. I know from now on, I am definitely peeling the entire plastic wrapper off my Snickers bar before I eat it; otherwise, it will be unhealthy for me.

And that’s The Alligator News Roundup for Friday, December 15, 2023. Don’t forget to order your copy of the The Alligator Wrestler’s 52-Week Devotional Guide at www.alligatorpublishing.com or at Amazon dot com.