I love this one. Why didn’t I think of this? It comes from kagi dot com. Kagi accepts your plain-English description of your lifestyle and transforms it into language suitable for a resume on LinkedIn. I thought I’d try it.
I submitted the following input to their free website:
I am retired, I sleep late and I am socially awkward. I really want an office job with air conditioning and a company-sponsored cafeteria. I am 70 years old and I used to work construction until I hurt my back 45 years ago.
And from that, here is my new Linkedin-friendly resume. Who would NOT want to hire this candidate?
Seasoned professional with extensive experience in large-scale infrastructure and industrial projects, currently transitioning back into the workforce. After a successful tenure in the construction sector, I am now pivoting toward a corporate environment where I can leverage my long-term perspective and dedication. I am seeking a high-impact administrative role within a modern, climate-controlled workspace that values employee wellness and community-building through on-site amenities. Passionate about deep-focus work and looking to contribute my unique background to a forward-thinking team. #CareerPivot #LifelongLearner #NewOpportunities
For your reading pleasure, try this one. Here is my input:
I have been fired from six jobs in the last four months including: lumber yard counter retail sales rep, car wash attendant (wheel rims and windshield specialty), residential door to door carpet shampoo sales, and fast food janitor (third shift). I have a 1981 Ford Focus that needs tires. My girlfriend is on welfare with her four children. I don’t know who the father(s) is(are).
From which Kagi extracted this sales pitch:
I am currently a free agent, having rapidly diversified my professional portfolio across six different sectors in the last quarter—ranging from retail sales and automotive detailing to direct-to-consumer business development and facility management. I am a highly adaptable specialist who thrives in fast-paced, high-turnover environments.
Currently, I am seeking new opportunities to leverage my grit and resilience while I work on upgrading my personal logistics infrastructure. I am also deeply committed to supporting my domestic partner and her four children as we navigate complex socio-economic systems and family dynamics. Open to new challenges and ready to hit the ground running! #OpenToWork #Resilience #CareerPivot #GrowthMindset
“Personal logistics infrastructure”???
If you are seeking to hire anyone, perhaps you should avoid LinkedIn.
Jus’ sayin’.
Number 3. The Mirror. Kim Jong un executes general by throwing him to the piranhas.
Some people take personal allegiances entirely too seriously.
Kim Jong un, leader of North Korea, has long sought to root out unpatriotic agents at the highest levels of his government and military. Which are probably the same thing.
See this from an article in The Guardian nine years ago:
…A former agriculture minister… and a senior official at the education ministry, were executed by anti-aircraft gun at a military academy in Pyongyang earlier this month.
No kidding. An anti-aircraft gun for a public execution. That’d probably do it.
The current high-level miscreant was an unnamed general who somehow fell afoul of Kim’s political correctness. Let’s call the general “Fish Bait”, just for convenience.
Fish Bait is said to have been sliced with a sharp knife several times around the arms and torso, generating effusive bleeding, before being lowered into a large fish tank filled with piranhas at Kim’s residence in Ryongsong.
According to sources, it is not clear whether Fish Bait was still alive before his swim. He certainly was not, afterwards. What IS clear is that the piranahs’ razor-sharp teeth tear flesh from bones in seconds.
Kim is apparently a James Bond aficianado, taking this execution idea from The Spy Who Loved Me, 1977.
General Fish Bait joins 15 other top-level associates in providing very public object lessons extolling the virtues of offering unquestioning support for Kim Jong un, the fifth son of Kim Jong il, whom we once knew as the “Dear Leader”.
If you use LinkedIn to apply for a job, beware of any senior position with a Pyongyang-sounding email address.
And, it was recently pointed out to me that the current NK leader has a stable of nukes under a button.
Number 2. Daily Mail. Top US scientists missing in action. Alien heist suspected. (Not satire.)
I first saw a reference to this in late 2025 when I came across a news item that a senior physicist was murdered in his home one night in Boston. The scientist in question was director of the Plasma Science and Fusion Center at MIT, working on some ground-breaking new development in energy generation.
It only caught my attention because within a few weeks there was a second murder, this one an astrophysicist in Los Angeles. Gunned down on his front porch.
This month, the remains of a third scientist were found in Wakefield, Massachusetts. He had disappeared in December, around the time of the MIT incident.
Now, there are two more high-ranking scientist types who have gone missing, both apparently on solo — and separate — hiking trips in the American southwest. One is a NASA aerospace engineer, the other a retired Air Force general with ties to a UFO research program at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Dayton.
It seems odd to me that we would lose five people of this caliber in such a short period of time.
Some have already leaped to the conclusion, because the magic term “UFO” has emerged, that ET is responsible. We’ll see about that.
But there is something in the water. Or in the air. Stay tuned.
Number 1. CBS News. AI super productivity is frying your brain.
In about 1975 I took a three credit hour class at the University of Kansas (Rockchalk Jayhawk) on the subject of Futurism. I distinctly recall being promised more leisure time, higher income, fewer worries, richer diet and no physical labor.
Now it seems that the newest wrinkle in the microprocessor fabric — artificial intelligence — is working us harder, on more projects, with compressed deadlines, and greater career risk.
Well… I could have told you that, regardless of the smooth-talking, tenured and bearded, corduroy-jacketed professor who asked me to eat what he served 50 years ago.
Before my career employer moved to desktop computers (pre-1985) I was accustomed to using a calculator to prepare a sales presentation. I would hand-write a document, place in my (physical) outbox, and then wait for a clerk to collect it, and another to type it. In a day, it would show up in my (physical) inbox, where I would red-line the errors and repeat the process.
With luck, I could get it back, complete, in four days.
The new desktop terminals installed by IT allowed instantaneous communication of complex documents. Along with this came the expectation of immediate response. Same data, but now I had about 30 minutes to digest it, form an opinion and deliver a response. And then, on to the next fire drill.
It’s a Brave New World, after all.
And in conclusion, I fed this to the Kagi interface:
I have just finished slogging my way through writing my weekly blog, an exercise in terminal boredom for me, but providing a fleeting and pointless satirical compilation of current events from a distinctly right-wing perspective. Almost no one appreciates my labor. I would like to shame my readers into paying me richly for my wit and brilliant insight.
And here is how it came back:
I’m thrilled to share that I’ve just wrapped up my latest weekly insights! ✍️ While the creative process can be a grind, I’m dedicated to delivering a unique, satirical take on current events that challenges the status quo. 🚀
True value is often overlooked, but I’m committed to showing up and sharing my perspective. If you’ve found value in my "brilliant insights" and wit, let’s talk about how we can level up this partnership. Quality thought leadership deserves investment. Who’s ready to support high-impact content? 💡💰
#ThoughtLeadership #ContentCreation #ValueAdd #Perspective #Consistency
And thanks for joining The Alligator News Roundup for Friday, March 27, 2026. If you're looking to upgrade your personal logistical infrastructure with a bright new forward focused opportunity, try the Kagi interface for a LinkedIn resume. You may be shocked at the results!
Have a good weekend!
