The Alligator News Roundup

Number 5. The Guardian. Atlantic Ocean circulation nearing devastating tipping point.

Just to ensure your hair is sufficiently set on fire for this first weekend after you paid your taxes, we go to this article from the esteemed Guardian.

There have been routine currents at work in the Atlantic Ocean for about 10,000 years. This is according to scientists who have… well, it’s really not clear where they got this, seeing that the oldest writings around are about 4,000 years old. I don’t think the Atlantic figures much in the Bible, unless maybe it’s in Leviticus.

But let’s go with it: 10,000 year data. The Atlantic Meridional Overturning Circulation, creatively named AMOC, is the system of currents that carries warm surface water north and cold deep water south. This accounts for a stable distribution of fish and nutrients, and other oceany things, that, unless they are distributed fairly, will lead to all sorts of problems.

As greedy oil refiners and uncaring SUV drivers plunder all the petroleum, it makes Arctic glaciers melt. This causes ice to fall off into the northern waters, which means the warm water that is carried north by AMOC is suddenly cooled with all those big ice cubes, and this disturbs whatever it was the warm water from the south was supposed to do in the north.

And that, in turn, means the cold water that is supposed to be carried south isn’t, for some reason, and that means the Amazon jungle (the real one, not the Amazon warehouse parking lot during 8:00 am morning rush hour) will swap winter for summer and cause all sorts of other problems.

Up until now, this has not been seen as a big issue by scientists, who figured we had about 75 years before the AMOC currents get changed, but suddenly another scientific paper gives new life to the hope that we’ll all die sooner than expected.

While the article does not make clear how the AMOC will change things, it is quite clear on what could happen when it does: U.S. cities on the Atlantic seaboard will go under water, temperatures around the world will fluctuate more, the south will get warmer and the north will get colder, Europe will get less rain, and the Amazon jungle will reach its own tipping point.

I have no idea what happens when the Amazon jungle reaches a tipping point.

This is all supposed to happen maybe as early as 2025. And if it does, it will probably be because we elected Donald Trump.

Number 4. The Gateway Pundit. Germany threatens weekend driving bans for climate.

While we are destroying the earth with climate disasters, here’s another one.

Germany has been working hard to reduce the emission of greenhouse gases. Recently those emissions have reached a 70-year low. You would think that would be good news for a climate watcher, but it’s not good enough.

We have targets for the reduction of carbon dioxide, and the 70-year low is inadequate. Drastic action is called for.

This puts German Transport Minister Volker Wissing in a difficult position. The way it works in Germany is that political control frequently requires multiple political parties, which generally do not agree with each other on policies, to work together in order to remain in power.

Remaining in power is always preferable, even if it means working with knuckle-draggers on meeting climate targets.

Therefore Minister Wissing, admitting that his own department of transportation is impeding the country’s ability to meet the CO2 targets, has proclaimed: “…restrictive measures such as nationwide driving bans on Saturdays and Sundays.”

So much for a Sunday afternoon picnic in Switzerland.

The draconian travel ban could only be avoided if the Parliament adopts amendments to the carbon dioxide targets in the next 60 days.

Which you might find a little perplexing: If Earth can only be saved by reducing CO2, and if CO2 can only be reduced by less weekend driving in Germany, then why is it that changing the CO2 target level will suddenly make things better?

I guess I missed something here.

Number 3. Reuters. Altria Group sells 35 million InBev (Bud Light) shares.

The Dylan Mulvaney saga lives on. A year after the transgender influencer was featured on a can of Bud Light, the story, if not the brand, remains alive.

Anheuser-Busch, brewer of Bud Light, lost its top spot in that segment of beer sales after word got out that they had endorsed Mulvaney. Revenues fell by 30 percent and A-B began to lay off workers.

What was obviously an effort to broaden the product’s market reach became one of the most obvious failures in American commerce. “Know your customer,” it turns out, it a maxim that really should not be ignored.

Now, Altria, the Marlboro cigarette maker, has sold about 15% of its share in InBev, the parent company of Anheuser-Busch.

This represents $2 billion of income for Altria, which is much less than that stake was worth before A-B listened to Dylan Mulvaney.

Thanks, Dylan, for all your help.

Number 2. Nature dot com. Why loneliness is bad for your health.

Before we start this one, might I just point out that 3,000 years before this brilliant, current insight came out, the fellow who wrote the Psalms included this line: “God sets the lonely in families.” (62:8) Of course loneliness is bad for our health. We are built to live in family units.

But enough ranting. On to the article.

U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has released a report suggesting that being lonely is really bad for one’s health. He attributes depression, dementia, heart disease, low blood pressure and early death to loneliness.

How the brain interprets loneliness, and how it transforms that emotional dysfunction into physical dysfunction remains a mystery. But we know it is real, because the insurance companies are on the case. Cigna Group reports that lonely adults are nearly twice as likely to suffer from sleep disorder, weight problems and drug abuse as not-so-lonely people.

Traditionally, we have always thought of the elderly as being the most lonely. Since the pandemic, however, it is those in the 18-to-24 age demographic who suffer the most. It would probably be a political faux pas to suggest this might relate to the meteoric rise in screen time, social media and pornography.

The evolutionary explanation is that those who stay close to others have a better shot at survival than isolated cavemen. I suppose that might be true.

For modern remedies, the researchers recommend living in an apartment complex with a commons area, and exercising in groups.

That’ll fix it. Heaven forbid we should re-think the importance of the nuclear family.

Number 1. USA Today. Coast Guard finally locates and rescues Gilligan’s Island cast.

Okay, that is not exactly the headline, but it’s close: Coast Guard rescues stranded men after spotting “HELP” sign made with palm leaves.

A week ago three 40-year-olds went fishing in an open boat somewhere east of Guam. When they were overtaken by rising ocean swells, the outboard motor was disabled and they were left adrift.

They washed up on Pikelot Atoll, an uninhabited coral island, and there they sat. Their rescue radio batteries ran dead. With waning strength they gathered palm fronds and laid them out on the beach, spelling out HELP in giant letters.

A Herky-bird (Hercules C-130) dispatched from Hawaii, part of the search team, found them.

This was not the first rescue from that island. Four years ago, another crew of three washed up on the same island and were rescued when they spelled SOS with palm leaves.

Something mysterious about all this. I’ll wait for the horror movie.

But the way the world is going, it sounds like a great idea for an Instagram Dare!

Meanwhile, the Coast Guard recommends the use of an emergency locating beacon in your fishing boat.

No kidding.

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Thanks for joining The Alligator News Roundup for Friday, April 19, 2024. Remember to LIKE the episode, and share it with someone unsuspecting. It may make their day. Or it may make them unfriend you. Whatever. Take the risk! Live on the edge! Enjoy your weekend!