Email from Gus
From: Gus O’Shaughnessy
To: D. Willoughby
March 16
Dear Mr. Willoughby,
Accept my sincere appreciation for the new employment opportunity you have afforded me with Willoughby Meat Processing Supplies, even though we have not yet had the opportunity to meet face to face.
This was due to the unfortunate late winter snowstorm our area recently experienced, which grounded all air traffic. I assure you, your good judgment will be profusely rewarded, as I am regarded as a top-notch salesman here in upstate New York.
Although my experience in the meat processing industry is somewhat limited, I do appreciate a good smoked sausage now and again.
You will NOT be disappointed!
On that count, I have great news to share with you regarding my first big sale!
Saturday morning, I was shoveling my driveway, the same as everyone else in the neighborhood, when my next-door neighbor suddenly began cursing loudly. I will not repeat what he said.
It seems his new snowblower would not start. I went to assist, when, as luck would have it, a four-wheel-drive pickup truck made its way down our street towing a trailer full of new snow blowers!
Leaving my neighbor for the moment, I flagged down the truck and engaged the driver in conversation. He politely refused to sell me a snow blower off the trailer, as he was taking the shipment to the local hardware store for a delivery. It would be just in time for the blizzard business.
As it happens, the hardware store is owned by my wife’s uncle.
Being the enterprising man I am, I pulled out my cellphone, called my uncle and agreed to purchase the entire trailer of 20 brand new Tiger Frost D-90 Snowblowers on the spot, using my Willoughby Meat Processing Supplies credit card, which had fortunately just arrived in the mail before the snowstorm.
That was lucky!
I had to pay 15% over list, but the premium was worth it!
The first sale was to my neighbor, who gave me the marked-up price I asked (another 40% over what I had paid) with free delivery and initial start-up training included. Once we obtained diesel fuel (these Tiger Frost D-90 machines are rugged!) it roared like its name would imply.
Although the instruction manual presented a small challenge (written entirely in what appeared to be Norwegian) we got the baby up and running in no time.
In minutes the entire neighborhood gathered to watch it work, probably owing to the unaccustomed noise level.
We sold 6 more in the first 10 minutes!
The remaining 13 the driver and I sold in the next two hours, plowing through other streets in my neighborhood.
While we were doing this, I texted my wife, who contacted one of her church friends who owns a print shop, and they made up 20 adhesive polymer stickers for us with the Willoughby Meat Processing Supplies logo and a special “Blizzard Products Division” medallion.
We made the rounds and affixed the stickers to the snow blower hoods as advertisements.
Customers loved it!
The gross take from my first venture is, I am sure you would agree, impressive. I posted an envelope to you in U.S. mail today, which will go out as soon as the roads are clear, with the total amount of $21,863.80 in cash, and checks made out to Willoughby Meat Processing Supplies, Blizzard Products Division.
From this, we will have to deduct the cost of the machines, 20 gallons of diesel, $8 commission to the driver per unit and $40 printing costs, still leaving you with a tidy net profit!
My wife’s uncle at Shastaville Hardware is delighted to be our new partner in upstate New York!
I can’t wait to start seeing Willoughby Meat Processing Supplies customers in this area!
Signed,
Your Man In New York,
Augustus “Gus” Rudolphus O’Shaughnessy
P.S.: You may ignore the letter you may receive from the Shastaville Police Department regarding a recent noise complaint related to the operation of unlicensed diesel equipment in a residential neighborhood. My wife’s uncle’s brother-in-law, the Mayor, is handling that for us.
Reply from Mr. Willoughby
From: D. Willoughby
To: Gus O’Shaughnessy
CC: Human Resources; Legal [external]
March 17
Mr. O’Shaughnessy,
We DO NOT sell snowblowers. We DO NOT have partner arrangements. Please DO NOT use your company credit card for any purpose other than authorized travel and lodging expenses. Your sales territory is NOT New York; it is Pennsylvania.
Please remove the stickers from those machines ASAP. Advise your wife’s uncle that Willoughby Meat Processing Supplies is NOT a business partner of Shastaville Hardware.
Please take the first flight available to our home office. I need to see you immediately.
Signed,
D. Willoughby
Author’s Note
I know, you were hoping for another episode with a dramatic story of a cancer patient with a terminal disease and a hopeful attitude, along with some wise insight about how to overcome insurmountable trials of life. Perhaps a Bible verse thrown in to make you think, Wow, what a good passage! I should read the whole chapter!
That is the standard fare of the Monday edition of The Alligator Blog. In the absence of any other identifiable skill set, that’s what I have to offer.
But I do weary of the drama of real life. Sometimes I just need entertainment, absent gritty reality.
Years ago, at home on the farm, we had a worn paperback copy of a book that may have been titled Alexander Botts, Supersalesman, or perhaps Alexander Botts, World’s Greatest Salesman. My brother and I disagree about the title, and as he is older and wiser, he is probably right. But now, I don’t recall which of us thought which one was correct.
Anyway.
The Botts stories are the inspiration for Gus O’Shaughnessy. Alexander Botts was a 1930s-era creation of Vermont native William Hazlett Upson. Upson wrote a series of articles for the Saturday Evening Post documenting the fictitious and hilarious adventures by Botts as a sales representative for the likewise fictitious Earthworm Tractor Company.
Earthworm was an obvious parody on the real-life Caterpillar Company. Earthworm tractors were tracked machines (bulldozers) used in road construction, forest clearing, and other he-man heavy industries.
Alexander Botts had absolutely no experience in heavy machinery, but sincerely believed he was the greatest salesman ever. He bumbled his way from one sales misadventure to another, always somehow inexplicably landing on his feet with a signed contract.
Each Saturday Evening Post article was basically Botts’ letter to his boss explaining his weekly expense report. The collection was later published in a book of what amounted to short stories. Eventually, there were several volumes.
I have no illusions that I can rise to William Hazlett Upson’s literary prowess, but I find The O’Shaughnessy Files a pleasant diversion. In my own experience, I have worked in sales all my life. In the last 5 years I have been involved in the meat processing industry, an area with which I have virtually zero experience.
So at least Gus O’Shaughnessy has that going for him.
Please let me know in the comments if you want more of this, or if you would prefer a return to the drama of cancer. We’ll call this one Season 1, Episode 1.
Cancer episodes sprinkled with optimistic hope will never be very far away from The Alligator Blog, but occasional humor can’t hurt. In fact, having seen this from the inside, I am convinced it is an essential part of the battle.
At any rate, I hope you enjoy this humble offering. If so, please share.
The O'Shaughnessy Files, S1E1