From: Gus O’Shaughnessy
To: D. Willoughby
March 19
Dear Mr. Willoughby,
Unfortunately, due to a sudden power outage related to the recent snowstorm, I did not receive your latest email until this morning. Currently I am running on a backup generator, which is actually one of those diesel Tiger Frost D-90 Snowblowers we were so fortunate to get. They do dual duty!
But now, I have great news to share!
It seems my wife’s uncle, the owner of Shastaville Hardware, is on the Shastaville City Council. His brother-in-law is the Mayor, who is responsible for the Shastaville Spring Fling and Sausage Festival, a traditional city-wide celebration.
Meat processors come from miles around to enter their smoked products in the competition!
This year, the Mayor’s cousin, who runs a local butcher shop, was planning to provide a unique snack stick to the crowd of 3,000 expected for the event. Unfortunately for him, but fortunately for Willoughby Meat Processing Supplies, his seasoning vendor was unable to fulfill his order for the Bacon Flavor Sweet Dill Snack Sticks that are so popular here.
It seems the power outage related to the blizzard had shut down their production line, and the seasoning could not be produced in time for the Festival.
Piling one problem on another, the Mayor’s cousin’s butcher shop, North Country Smoked Meats, also incurred a weather-related problem with their Omega 12,000 Digital 8-Truck Smokehouse. A freak electrical spike fried the motherboard, and the Omega factory in Kazakhstan will not be able to deliver replacement parts for 24-30 weeks.
My wife’s uncle reached out to me, and because I am now a member of the Meat Processing Industry, I agreed to have a look at the Omega to see what could be done.
It turned out, nothing. The motherboard, once we got it out of the cabinet using a couple of crowbars, was blackened and twisted. Also, it unfortunately broke apart during disassembly.
I assured the Mayor’s cousin that Willoughby Meat Processing Supplies will stand behind the damage for repairs related to our field service visit. However, our Service Manager, whose number I found in our online directory, has not returned my calls. You might want to ask him about that.
I see in the Willoughby Meat Processing Supplies commercial catalog that we offer a seasoning product called Imitation Bacon Sweet Hickory, and another called Fresh Dill Snack Stick. By combining those two together in a special blend, the Mayor’s cousin ought to be able to produce a substitute snack stick for the Festival, which begins in 3 weeks.
I attempted to place an online order for 200 cases each of those products, but our online system is limited to quantities of 10 cases each. To that end, I placed 20 orders for each product, only to discover that the lead time requires “special negotiation.” You might want to look into that limitation, also.
So, I was left with no recourse but to call our supplier, Extraordinary Seasonings in Keeton, Wisconsin. Because it was after hours, I had to reach out to the CEO on his personal cell phone, whose number I found because, as luck would have it, I have a distant cousin on the police force in Keeton.
The owner agreed to accept the order from Willoughby Meat Processing Supplies once I offered my credit card number to him. There may be a slight upcharge for air freight.
The other problem was the inoperative Omega 12,000 Digital 8-Truck Smokehouse. Again turning to the Willoughby Meat Processing Supplies commercial catalog, I found that we offer a comparable unit, something called the Highland Model 6L. The lead time on this one seems to be shockingly long, so I reached out to the Highland owner, catching him at a dinner party in Aruba.
Ralph, the Highland big boss, but I didn’t catch his last name, agreed to sell us a 6L that was just off the production line for a Willoughby customer in Ontario. Ralph said he knew you, and you could call him later to discuss details. There will also be some nominal air freight charges with that as well, along with an installation fee from Shastaville Appliance, which is run by my brother’s father-in-law, Ernst.
Ernst said he could install anything, as long as the original Omega was moved out of his way.
Removing the fried Omega smokehouse is this weekend’s project. Several friends from my neighborhood and church agreed to have a workday to remove the old smokehouse.
And, because I am an experienced salesman who leaves no details unattended, I found the phone number for the Ontario customer in our sales database, called him up and discussed the situation. He was initially a little stand-offish, but when I assured him we could broker a deal for a used Omega 12,000 in about 6 months, he immediately warmed up. He invited me up for a fishing trip where we could discuss the details.
For that, I really must speak to the Service Manager, if you could remind him to call me.
The sales I have made, only the second week on the job, are therefore:
Imitation Bacon Sweet Hickory, 200 cases @ 139.99 = 27,998.00
Fresh Dill Snack Stick, 200 cases @ 134.99 = 26,998.00
Highland Model 6L Smokehouse = $237,500.00
Total = $292,496.00
From that we will have to deduct the Shastaville Appliance installation fee, and the steak dinner I agreed to provide for the workday crew of 32. And some air freight. Also 2 crowbars, which I got a deal on for only $19.99 each.
With the groundwork I have laid, you should not have much of a problem when you talk with your buddy Ralph, the Highland owner, about that 6L we had to divert from Ontario. I do not anticipate any difficulty with the Ontario customer, but I do have a cousin in Winnipeg who may be able to help smooth any feathers.
This is a great start to a career!
Your Man In New York,
Augustus “Gus” Rudolphus O’Shaughnessy
* * * * *
From: D. Willoughby
To: Gus O’Shaughnessy
CC: Human Resources; Legal [external]
March 20
Mr. O’Shaughnessy,
Where to start?
We DO NOT service Omega products. If we were to do so, we would hire an authorized service group. As a sales representative, you ARE NOT authorized to deal directly with Extraordinary Seasonings or, for that matter, with Highland. You also ARE NOT authorized to manipulate shipment schedules with our customers.
There is NO CHANCE that Imitation Bacon Sweet Hickory and Fresh Dill Snack Stick can be combined in the field without careful balancing of the recipes.
We DO NOT pay for air freight. That can be quite expensive, and the ONLY case where it will be authorized is when our customer has agreed up front to cover that cost.
We DO NOT broker agreements for used equipment provided by other manufacturers without a thorough review of the product by our Service Department, which you DO NOT represent.
Please CEASE all additional activity representing Willoughby Meat Processing Supplies.
Let me know when you are arriving at the home office. WE MUST SPEAK IMMEDIATELY.
D. Willoughby
Author’s Note
I admit it: There is no great moral lesson here and no “You can get rich on the internet!” advice. This is nothing but pure entertainment.
On the other hand, it doesn’t take long to read (or to watch the video), and I hope you derive some enjoyment from it.
If you missed the first episode, S1E1, go back and read or watch it. Each episode stands alone, but you will find it useful to fill in the gaps in the story line.
Enjoy it, Like it, Share it.
If you want something equally entertaining but slightly more serious (and more worthwhile), see our companion site Your Best Retirement. Subscribe there for free. Click the link just below.
Have a good week!
The O'Shaughnessy Files, S1E2