To the reader: If you have missed previous versions of Gus O’Shaughnessy’s sales exploits, go back and find them. In the written version of this post there are links to all four of the earlier episodes: S1E1, S1E2, S1E3 and S1E4. I hope you find them worth the read.
In the present episode, Gus demonstrates how his tone-deaf sales technique lands him on his feet once again.
It’s just humor, nothing more!
Gus O’Shaughnessy’s Email
From: Gus O’Shaughnessy
To: D. Willoughby
March 30
Dear Mr. Willoughby,
Thanks for your encouragement to learn how to set up new customers in our sales database. That was really helpful! There is no end to the opportunities I see in adding customers and making new sales!
To do what you asked, I called in on our toll-free Customer Service line and talked to a sweet Willoughby Meat Processing Supplies girl named Ginger. She was great! Ginger and I spent about an hour on the phone getting the Ontario Department of Agricultural Inspection all set up as a new commercial customer.
There was a lot of confusion around several computer fields, like Customs and wire transfers and exchange rates, but Ginger got it all straightened out for me! It was really good to have her help, as there is some problem with the laptop you shipped to me. I cannot seem to be able to remote into the sales applications. But as long as Ginger is around, I’ll be golden!
I did a web search for “meat processors” and “smoked fish” and even “taxidermists” in Ontario and found dozens of new prospects! Ginger added all these to the database for me.
As for your helpful suggestions about all those little technical details around the Highland Model 6L Smokehouse, I can say it sure is a confusing machine! This is nothing like selling window fans, which was my last job.
I talked with Ernst Van Der Lundt, the owner of Shastaville Appliance, our installation partner here, about those options, and guess what? One of his Dutch-speaking immigrant technicians has a cousin who works for Highland! The two of them got together and talked through the whole set of options.
When the crew is on site in Ontario installing the refurbished Omega 12,000 Digital 8-Truck Smokehouse next week, he will cover all those details with customer Bob, then let his cousin know how to set up the new Highland Model 6L Smokehouses.
So it’s all coming together just great!
There was one thing that did confuse me, however, in your email. On the subject of configuring the 6L Smokehouse, you said we needed to understand “truck configuration and quantity.”
I know you’re busy, so you probably just missed that piece in all the good news I shared in my last email. The truck delivering the Omega is a single semi tractor-trailer dry van with a conventional 40-foot box. One truck trip will easily do the trick.
As far as drainage and venting for the smokehouse is concerned, don’t let that bother you at all. Ernst’s crew has been handling gas ranges and refrigerators in the retail market for years and knows all about drains and vents. He will get the customer lined out with no problems once he gets on site.
I know you had a slight bit of concern about the Ontario Department of Agricultural Inspection tiger print nitrile gloves I ordered from the outfit in Ohio, but that news just got a lot better! It seems that Pierre, the big cheese from Ontario Agriculture, has told his counterparts in the other provinces and territories about our ability to provide the unique red-and-white tiger print 5 mil nitrile gloves, each with the Maple Leaf logo superimposed.
Those other provinces all need the same thing!
I sold Pierre (that’ s not his real name of course, but I’ll ask him for a business card and send it to Ginger) another 150 cases of mixed Regular, Large and XL black 5 mil gloves for each of the other 12 provinces/territories. Pierre is trying to figure out how to issue the payment for those, and what the shipping addresses are, but it’s a Canadian government requirement, so don’t you worry, that sale will happen!
On that note, I advised my fraternity brother’s contact at Ohio Protective Gear Distributors (the tiger print glove people) about the upcoming orders next quarter. He was delighted! He called back a few minutes later and said his boss would like to talk with you directly. I gave him your number.
I see great things coming from this relationship! But I still need to talk with Purchasing about issuing the purchase orders, and I haven’t heard from them yet. If you could remind them to call me that would be great. Thanks.
My sales this week:
Nitrile gloves black, total 150 cases X 12 provinces @ $139.90 = $251,820.00
Nitrile gloves tiger stripe (next 3 qtrs X 12), total 450 cases @ $144.90 = 782,460.00
Total = $1,034,280.00
Mr. Willoughby, that suggestion you made about searching the commercial catalog for things I could sell was a great idea! That is why you are so successful! With your leadership from the home office, and my execution in the field, you have set up an unbeatable combination! I can’t wait to meet you, which I will arrange to do just as soon as I am back from Kazakhstan.
Your Man in New York (and Canada!),
Augustus “Gus” Rudolphus O’Shaughnessy
D. Willoughby’s Reply
From: D. Willoughby
To: Gus O’Shaughnessy
April 1
Gus,
We are in receipt of a wire transfer of some $20,000 from what appears to be a Canadian government agricultural office. Unfortunately, all the verbiage is in French, but we can decipher that this transaction is marked “1 of 12,” and there is a word that might mean “downpayment” or “deposit.”
This has created no end of confusion with our Accounting and Purchasing groups, and with our local banking contacts. Willoughby resources, already busy, are spending untold hours trying to make heads or tails of your sales activity.
Please DO NOT call our Customer Service Representatives to enter your orders or other data for you. That is the sales representative’s responsibility. You will find on-line training easily accessible on our internal website. If you have difficulty understanding remote laptop operations, please call our IT help line for assistance.
Ginger Smith-Jones, CSR, is quite busy helping actual customers and CANNOT spend hours on the phone with you for something you should be able to do yourself. She IS NOT your personal sales assistant.
As I have pointed out before, your sales territory is Pennsylvania, NOT New York or Canada. Please call on customers who already do business with us rather than chasing after wild schemes that are clearly outside our traditional business model.
As for that, your ill-advised approach to Ohio Protective Gear Distributors is a direct threat to our legal agreements with current suppliers. Our outsourced legal counsel has been attempting to smooth over that problem, at a significant cost to Willoughby Meat Processing Supplies. It is taking most of my attention, and I am hoping against hope that I may avoid receiving a subpoena.
DO NOT travel outside the U.S. Please cancel your planned trip to Kazakhstan, or wherever it is you are going, immediately.
And all those “little technical details” you reference in regard to the Highland Model 6L Smokehouse are NOT insignificant. They are critical to optimizing performance of an installation that will be the centerpiece of our customers’ operation. They should have the highest priority and not be left to an unauthorized repairman of gas ranges who knows NOTHING about meat processing or smoking.
Please arrange your schedule to come see me IMMEDIATELY. We need to discuss how – and whether! – you have a future as a productive member of Willoughby Meat Processing Supplies.
Signed, D. Willoughby
Author’s Note
If we could all be as tone-deaf and optimistic as Gus, maybe we’d get a lot more done. The more I write of these, the more sympathetic I feel toward Mr. Willoughby. Poor man! What’s he to do with a top performer who never learned to color inside the lines? Willoughby is finding that all his learned assumptions about business success are threatened by this rank amateur who cannot seem to fail.
Maybe there are lessons there.
But let’s don’t dwell on it too much. It’s just entertainment. Share the episode with someone who needs a diversion from the daily grind.
See you next time!
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